Texas Flood

Man stands dripping, wiping muck from his body and wringing out his shirt.

Man
I really thought we could make it.

Woman, standing next to man, also wrings-out her clothing.

W
Sure Noah, we could’ve made it.

Man (angry)
If you hadn’t distracted me…Nice biblical reference though…

Woman
I thought we were going to die.

Man
Did we?

Woman
No, but we smell like we did. You don’t drive into 15 feet of flood water!.

Man (rubbing jaw)
You don’t take your foot off the gas going through high water. That’s the rule.

Woman
I’m sorry I hit you. I was scared.

Man
I’ve dreamed about that moment (looks off into the distance) Fording the raging river…

Woman
That was Braes bayou, and, unlike a horse, your car doesn’t float.

Man
We proved that today if nothing else. (looks to his right) What’s this idiot doing?

Another man in a john boat idles up to them.

Man in Boat
You folks ok?

Woman
Yes, thank you! Can we get in?

Man in Boat
I’m sorry, there’s some folks further down in a tree that really need me. I’ll come back for you in just a minute. (to the man) Cars don’t float you know.

Man
So I heard.

Man in Boat
Did you take your foot off the gas?

Man (nudging woman)
Why don’t you tell him?

Woman
It’s my fault I guess. I got scared.

Man in Boat
You were right to be scared. A mini-Cooper has no business in high water.


Man
Shouldn’t you go rescue those people?

Man in Boat


Sure. Sorry. I’ll be back in a few minutes. (smiles) Don’t leave.


Woman
I don’t think that’ll be a problem.

They watch him motor off. She waves.

Man
Why don’t you just tell him that you want to have sex with him?

Woman
Oh my god! I’m just being friendly. He is going to rescue us isn’t he?

Man
Sure, our hero. We get into a little trouble and you start flirting with the first redneck in a john boat.

Woman
You take that back!

Man
What are you going to do, leave?

Woman (stomps her foot)
I just might!

Man
Easy, easy! You’ll scratch the roof.

Woman
There is no more roof. Now it’s a dock. A very small, very expensive dock.

Man
Have some respect!

Woman
It’s all the cable isn’t it. The X Games, the Warren Miller films. Just because you watch daredevils on tv doesn’t make you a daredevil.

Man
You’re right. Of course, no real daredevil brings his wife along for the stunt. That would be something wouldn’t it? Some guy jumping 20 school buses while his wife beats him with a purse and tells him he’s crazy.

Woman
Women are too smart for that kind of foolishness.


Man
Oh yeah? If you’re so smart then why’d you marry me?

Woman
It wasn’t for your driving.

Man
Nice, real nice. Hit a guy when he’s down.

Woman (looking down at where they’re standing)
Technically you’re up.

Man
That thing floating towards you looks like a squirrel, but technically it’s a rat.

Woman leaps into his arms.

Woman
Get it away! Get it away!

Man
Relax. He’s paddling right on through. (moment of pride) Never took his paw off the gas.

Woman (still in his arms)
How do you know it’s a he?

Man
By the smile on his face. He’s finally free.

Woman
You’re losing it. Again.

They watch the rat swim off until something comes from underneath it and swallows it.


Woman
Did you see that? What the hell was that?

Man
That’s the biggest snake I’ve ever seen. Wow! It swallowed that poor little bastard whole. (takes a step backwards) Stay calm baby, we’ll be fine.


Woman
The water’s getting higher, isn’t it?

Man (sloshing)
Not really…Ok, a little. But your boyfriend in the boat will be back soon.

Woman
Stop calling him that. You’re the only one for me.

Man
I’m sorry I got you in to all of this.

Woman
It’s ok. I shouldn’t have distracted you.

Man
We could’ve made it you know.



Woman
I… was that a fin?

Man
Probably just a porpoise.

Woman
In the bayou? Why is everything you say a quote from a show or movie?

Man
I hate to bring this up because I doubt it’s an original, but you’re getting a little heavy.

Woman
Please don’t put me down.

Man
I’ll hold you just as long as I can.

Woman
Here comes my boyfriend in the boat!

Man
Now he’s your boyfriend?

Woman
I’ll let him load you on the boat first.


Man
That’s fair.

Man on Boat (yelling from a distance)


Stay put. I’ll be right there.

Woman
Ok! Thank you!… This is so wonderful. (whispers) We’ll have to introduce him to your sister.

Blood curdling screaming and yelling from the man in boat.

Man
I guess it’s not a porpoise after all (covers her eyes) Don’t look honey.

Woman
Oh my god this is horrible! How did a shark get all the way up here?

Man
My guess is he swam.

Woman hits him.

Man
Just trying to lighten the mood (grimacing as he watches) Swimming must make him hungry.


Woman (peeking out between her fingers)
He’s already had my boyfriend – how much more can he eat?

Man
I guess we’ll find out. (shifts her) You sure are getting heavy.

Woman (almost shrieking)
Do not put me down!

Man
I won’t, I won’t… He’s eating the boat now.

Woman
Isn’t that from a movie.


Man
Yes.


Woman
Jaws?


Man
Uh huh.

Woman
I love you.

Man
I love you too.

They stand stock still, watching the shark demolish the remains of the boat. They continue to wait for the inevitable.

Woman
You’re a better swimmer, why don’t you make a break for it and try and get some help?

Man
Nice. You wanna tie some bacon around me while you’re at it?

Woman
I’m just trying to help.

Man
Well stop, ok? Maybe he’ll fill himself up on the boat.

Woman
Right, the boat.


They watch for a minute, and their heads and eyes track the progress of the shark, who’s now encircling them.

Man
Ok, maybe not.

Woman
I love you.

Man
I love you too.