To Whom It May Concern:

While I can appreciate the effort that was taken to “fix” the situation, I would please point out that once a raw egg has hit the floor there’s very little you can do except scrape up the debris and wash your hands — a lot.

Your use of scotch tape is creative, but I would please also remind you that we live atop a mountain in Costa Rica. In this setting eggs are remarkably plentiful, and cheap, whilst rolls of scotch tape are roughly $5 a shot. Your efforts to save a 10 cent egg with $2 of tape will, if repeated on a consistent basis, begin to cut in to the funds available for your higher education.

Finally, since “don’t ask / don’t tell” has already hit the skids, it’s probable that “don’t tell us about the obvious issue / we won’t ask” isn’t going to fly either. I fully recognize that there are two of you potentially culpable for this and any other act of malfeasance that occurs under our roof. I also understand that lying and blaming the other guy is a time-honored tradition. It is, however, worth pointing out that the mangled array of tape utilized is covered with the very discernible fingerprints of the guilty party. We’re not going to need Quincy to get to the bottom of this one — and, no, you don’t need to understand the reference.

Thank you,

The Management